I feel like giving up but it’s only been two weeks


It’s true. I do feel like giving up, although it’s only been two weeks. I’ve never really been the kind of person to stick with something. I like to get involved in something intensely for awhile, then move on to something else. For instance, I used to play piano every day. EVERY DAY. For an entire hour or more, right after dinner. And I didn’t just mess around, playing this and then that. I actually practiced. I worked on phrases, one after the other, and then I’d run through the entire piece. And the funny thing is (well, I think it was funny), I used to practice Chopin. I actually feel ridiculous writing that down. I almost said “silly,” but that doesn’t really do it justice. “Ridiculous” seems closer to describing how ridiculous it was. Absurd works too.

I never learned to play piano as a child. When I was a teenager, we had one in our basement. It was a beautiful old upright, and I spent an entire winter in the garage in the cold, wearing a winter coat, REFINISHING that beautiful piano. Ironically, I have now refinished TWO pianos in my lifetime, the second being the one in my current living room. They are both beautiful pianos, and they both look more beautiful than they sound. The piano of my youth was out of tune. My mom didn’t think it was VERY out of tune (it was, at least enough for me to notice), so she never had it tuned. We keep this one in tune, but the action sucks. Which certainly doesn’t make playing Chopin any easier.

Lest you cringe as you read this, rest assured that I only attempted his most accessible pieces. A mazurka or two and some of the waltzes (no, not the MINUTE waltz, for God’s sake! How crazy do you think I am?). Yes, fine, I admit it, I did try to work on the Waltz in C# Minor. “Foolish” is probably the best word for that. Particularly considering the truly crappy action of our piano. Our friend Rod, who tunes our piano and rebuilds them as well, has said more than once that the best use for our piano would be as a planter! But hey, it’s BEAUTIFUL!

But I digress. I think I started this out by talking about how, after two measly weeks of blogging every day (don’t count last Tuesday as a missed day, I blogged, but forgot to hit “publish”), I’m ready to give up. Why? Well, because blogging is hard. And I’ve always got so many things to do, it could be one less thing. And well, I think I’m starting to feel a little funny about the talking-to-no-one part. Which isn’t really fair. Yesterday, five people read my blog. And I’d like to say, thank you! I appreciate that. When I think about it, it really shouldn’t matter that no one ever responds (some of my friends do comment on Facebook – again, thank you!), but there is a dearth of comments here on my blog. And, crap, I can’t seem to finish a thought today. As I just started to say, it shouldn’t really bother me. After all, I talk to myself CONSTANTLY. No, seriously, I know people say that like it’s an actual saying, but I do LITERALLY talk to myself constantly. ALL DAY LONG. About EVERYTHING. (Sorry for all the CAPS, but you can’t hear my voice and I want you to know when I’m stressing a particular word).

Anyway, so if I do talk to myself CONSTANTLY, then what’s the problem? Well, I’m no psychologist or anything, but I think it has to do with all the typing and the hitting of a button that says “publish.” After all, when I talk to myself verbally, I can hear my own voice, and so I do have some interaction with my audience (me). And sometimes, other people overhear me, and then I end up having a conversation with another person, which can definitely feel productive. But here, well, I’m starting to feel kind of silly. Maybe even ridiculous. Perhaps a bit foolish. After all, I could simply have these very same conversations with myself, without bothering to type it all out.

Maybe I should ask myself what I was trying to accomplish when I decided to start blogging. I think I was thinking I’d get to talk to a whole bunch of people (and I guess I assumed they’d talk back). And I guess I was listening to some of my friends, who thought I should blog because, oh, I don’t really know. They think I’m funny I guess. I can turn a phrase maybe?

Well, I guess I’ll ponder all that for awhile. And maybe some of those friends will read this and tell me why they thought I should blog. Or I could ask them. That would probably work as well. In the meantime, I’m going to decide to keep trying to blog every day. Because I said to myself that I would. If nothing else, it’s a good way to practice grammar and self-discipline – two things I’m rather fond of, but may not be very good at. Shit, I just ended on a preposition. You know, I know that I’m not supposed to do that, but I just don’t know how to fix it. Crap.

Well, I certainly can’t give up now.

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About Leila

I am a wife and mother. I am an Orthodox Christian. I am a yoga and fitness instructor and personal trainer. And I am a Syrian American with family living in Syria. My life is defined by my family, and right now, that means chronic worry and fear. Thank God for my faith and the support of my family and friends. I started this blog to talk about all sorts of things, but now I focus on Syria. Until this war is over, I, like all Syrians with a love for their country and their families, am a prisoner of this war, waiting to see what will be left after the dust settles. I pray for the safety of my family and for my country to survive and repair itself in the future. God willing.
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7 Responses to I feel like giving up but it’s only been two weeks

  1. Leila says:

    Hang in there Leila. Don’t give up yet. πŸ™‚

  2. Jeanette says:

    I just read your blog! It is entertaining to read. When I check my Facebook at random times and come across one of your posts, I read it. I guess I never thought to respond but now I will…..if you keep doing it. See, now you don’t have to feel wired πŸ™‚

  3. Nonna says:

    Two weeks is one of those “milestones” in blogging… you know – one of those places where you seriously wonder if the whole “on line journal thing” is just more work than it’s worth… I think diary writing is about the same. πŸ™‚ It does help if you have a “reason” to blog… or something in particular that your blog focuses on, rather than just feeling like you have to constantly search for a topic to blab about – especially if you feel like no one is listening. πŸ™‚ Some people write witty blogs all about cooking – like the gluten free blogs – some write about a cause they believe in, or what it’s like to live with an illness, or raise their children. It just helps to have a subject to fall back on when words just refuse to come… My blog is a hodge-podge of things – everything from living the Orthodox Faith, to living with a chronic illness, to raising my autistic boys, and everything in between. Of course, my days (and my fogged-up brain) don’t allow me to write very often – I try to post at least once a week – but the more you post the more likely people are to find you and read your thoughts regularly. I still have very few readers – though I’ve met some wonderful people in the blogging world, and I’ve become pretty close with some of them… despite the fact that we never would have met without our blogs (seeing as they all live VERY far away from me – one is in Australia!)… I’d encourage you to stick with blogging, even if you find that you don’t want to post every day. It’s not only good discipline, but with time you’ll find that you begin to learn a lot about yourself – just like with keeping a diary… only this way, others can take the learning journey with you – and they just might learn something about themselves too. πŸ™‚

    • Leila says:

      Thank you so much for all those encouraging words. What a kindness! You seem familiar and maybe I saw you check out my last blog about Lent. You’re Orthodox! Me too!! I will go and check out your blog immediately! This is definitely one of the things I was hoping for – meeting great people from all over the place that I never would have known otherwise. Also, one of the benefits of blogging is that it gets me onto word press, where I get to read what others are writing. I have thought of maintaining different blogs, one for baking, one for gardening, one about raising kids, a political one. This appeals to my obsessive-compulsive desire for extreme organization, but it also freaks me out! So I guess I’ll stick with the “hodge-podge” approach. So far, (in my ENTIRE life, not just my blogging life!), words have yet to “refuse to come.” Ha ha. No, seriously, they haven’t! But I must say, it’s interesting to sift through my day’s thoughts every evening and decide which of those to blog about. Whoops, I ended with a preposition again! This seems to be a particularly bad habit of mine – ooh, there’s something I learned about myself! Thank you again for your words of wisdom. I just reread your comment to see if there was anything else I wanted to say in reply, and that was it: thank you for your words of kindness, encouragement and wisdom. They were lovely! πŸ™‚

  4. Mark says:

    I have the same highs and lows with blogging, part of me wanting to have a million readers, the other part of me not caring if anyone reads it. I like to think that I blog because *I* want to blog, and it’s for the reflection that I have while writing, not for the readers. But what author tells himself, “I just want to write to write, and who cares if anyone reads it?”

    I enjoyed reading your writing about piano playing. That’s one of my resolutions for this year – play at least one note a day. I’d be interested hearing more about your journey playing the piano, restoring the pianos, or anything to do with pianos. Oh, and don’t feel like every post needs to be a novel…sometimes the best posts are the shorter ones. Good luck!

    • Leila says:

      Thank you for this Mark! I read your post, “Why I blog” and I thought it was awesome! I definitely think that one of the big benefits of blogging is connecting with people. And it’s true, I have lots of people to connect with right in front of me (and I do connect with them), but there are so many people in this world I would like to connect with – people who share my interests or outlook. Or people who feel quite differently. And I love being able to learn about lives far different from my own. I’ll write more about the piano sometime. The night I wrote that blog, I lay in bed listening to Horowitz play Chopin’s Ballade No. One on YouTube. Have you heard it? It makes me cry EVERY TIME!

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